the kids are with their dad for the weekend

these are words I never thought I would have to say. They feel wrong and foreign coming out of my mouth.

They taste like failure.

i can't claim to miss my kids every minute that I am apart from them. when they are at school I am not pining for them. when I would enjoy a night out with my girlfriends I wasn't wondering what they were doing in between drinks.

no...I enjoy my free time. I need my free time to keep me sane.

but this...this time they are separated from me because we failed at marriage...this is a killer.

it is a forced. it is not my choice. this was never my choice.

i can take responsibility for my shortcomings as a wife. I can accept that this is 50% my fault. because everybody tells me it was.

but I didn't see this coming. it hit me like a truck that has now been dragging me along for the past two years.

it will stop soon. I know it will because I am going to be the one to stop it.

because I can not continue to live like this. I can't give my all and get nothing in return. I can't be someone that I am not.

and that is why I must get used to these words. I must change their connotation. I have to learn to say them with a smile and not a frown.

my family is broken. my  marriage is broken. i am broken.

but that is temporary. healing will come.

this phrase though. well that is a badge of failure i will wear for the rest of my life.