just another day...

what do you do when a day that used to mean so much...have so much promise and significance becomes...just another fucking day.

that's what today feels like. it's my 16th wedding anniversary. and given that we are reunited after a separation and supposed to be committed to fixing what we broke...you'd think the day would be marked somehow.

that was my intention. I had written a letter to him. bought him a card for the first time in 3 years. and even collected photos of us on each anniversary.

i wanted to remind him that what we had built together over the past 16 years was something to be celebrated. That despite the issues and the problems we should celebrate the fact that we didn't give up on our marriage. that our efforts were something to be proud of.

as usual...I set myself up for disappointment because he didn't even remember that it was our anniversary?

What's on Friday? he said. I think he's joking but he wasn't.

"I don't even know what the date is today." he says. "I didn't even think about it."

and that statement right there sums up all the problems between us. and i'm not even really mad at him. stupid, lazy, ignorant man.

i'm mad at me for letting myself hope. i'm mad at myself for having expectations.

because i should have known better.

And so here I sit...angry and hurt and sad...on a day that I always thought would mean something so different.

September 18 used to be my favourite.

Now...it's just another fucking day...

the kids are with their dad for the weekend

these are words I never thought I would have to say. They feel wrong and foreign coming out of my mouth.

They taste like failure.

i can't claim to miss my kids every minute that I am apart from them. when they are at school I am not pining for them. when I would enjoy a night out with my girlfriends I wasn't wondering what they were doing in between drinks.

no...I enjoy my free time. I need my free time to keep me sane.

but this...this time they are separated from me because we failed at marriage...this is a killer.

it is a forced. it is not my choice. this was never my choice.

i can take responsibility for my shortcomings as a wife. I can accept that this is 50% my fault. because everybody tells me it was.

but I didn't see this coming. it hit me like a truck that has now been dragging me along for the past two years.

it will stop soon. I know it will because I am going to be the one to stop it.

because I can not continue to live like this. I can't give my all and get nothing in return. I can't be someone that I am not.

and that is why I must get used to these words. I must change their connotation. I have to learn to say them with a smile and not a frown.

my family is broken. my  marriage is broken. i am broken.

but that is temporary. healing will come.

this phrase though. well that is a badge of failure i will wear for the rest of my life.

Lowered Expectations

expectations are a pain in the ass. they are always set too high. no matter what the situation it's always a case of wishing I had a lower expectations and therefore could have avoided disappointment.

that said - i never thought i'd have to lower my expectations to seriously low levels in my marriage.

i always thought my marriage would be an even case of give and take. that we would always love each other - casually exchanging the title of person that loves the other person more.  And I guess it was that way - until it wasn't and now I can see just how broken it is.

Here is what expected in my marriage:

- to be a priority to my husband
- to be loved
- to be shown love

Right now this is what I have:

- the knowledge that I don't even rank in the top 5 of his priorities
- that he loves me but is not IN love with me
- that the occasional pat on the top of my head should be enough...thank you very much.

It's not enough. I'm not satisfied with that. but I'm also not completely unhappy.

and that my friends is my dilemma.  because i feel guilty that i am the only one in my house that is unhappy. that to upset the balance of the house is selfish.

that i should just go along to get along. because really...what do i think is out there waiting for me if i leave my marriage?

prince charming ready to sweep me off my feet? not likely.

But I don't want Prince Charming. I don't need a knight on a white horse to right in and sweep me off my feet. I'm not asking for flowers and diamonds and huge romantic gestures. (although I wouldn't say no to any of those things)

i want to matter. i want to be thought of. i want to be a priority to my husband.

is that asking too much? is wanting my husband to be IN love with me a selfish request?

Have I set myself up for disappointment yet again? the feeling is familiar...

My Online Persona

Social media is an unforgiving world for those trying to rebuild a broken relationship.

It is full of potholes and every day I seem to step into one.

It's a place for happy couples. For smiling selfies and outpouring of affection and expressions of love.

It's where happy couples go to extoll the virtues of their happy marriage. It's full of comments like "still going strong after all these years" and "so lucky to have found and married the love of my life" and "I love you more every year".

I used to be one of those people that wrote things like that. I called out anniversaries and special memories. I posted selfies on date nights.

I don't do that anymore.

Any selfies I take that have my husband in them...must always also have the children in them.

I don't post on my anniversary or talk about the "love of my life".

But I fall in the potholes of others on a daily basis and each one is like a punch to the gut.

A reminder of what I no longer have. That I can no longer refer to us as a happy couple. That even though we are rebuilding and we have not given up on our relationship...it has been forever changed.

I had always wanted our story to be the kind of love story that people were awed over. The kind of love that reinforced the idea of soul mates.

Now...I just hope ours that one day we can call it a love story at all.

The Back Story

this story begins when my husband of nearly 15 years told me - quite out of the blue - "I don't think I love you anymore and I don't want to be married"

my world fell apart. i was shattered and angry and hurt and mystified and scared.

I cried. I screamed. I begged and pleaded with him to change his mind. I broke into a million pieces. And I am still trying to put myself back together.

Over the past two years we have worked on fixing what was wrong in our marriage. we had kids. We had built a life together that was worth trying to save.

but it has been so hard. so many times i have wanted to throw in the towel. to give up and give in.

my go-to therapy has always been writing. I found solace in it. It gave me ways to work through my feelings and see things more clearly. For some reason - through this time - I have had the worst kind of writers block.

the kind where i need to write and nothing comes out. where i feel like i have so much to say but can't even find the words to start.

I feel like i have a muzzle on me. like the thoughts that I have about my life, my husband, my kids, my choices are too real and scary to put down in a permanent form.

But I can't let that fear stop me anymore. I need to be free to write what I am feeling.

And the reason i'm doing it on a public (albeit anonymous) blog?

because maybe someone out there will stumble upon it and find my words help them.  That they can relate to the way I feel or what I am going through and find comfort in knowing they are not alone.

And with that...I write.